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“In the End, Only Kindness Matters”

November 2, 2016October 16, 2019Amy Schisler

I was recently introduced to several songs that have become go-to songs for me. The playlist they make up is the most played one on my phone and in my car. A few of the songs I knew, some from my own youth, and others were new to me but not to the world. All of these songs were featured on last spring’s television event, The Live Passion; and after watching it, I was compelled to buy the soundtrack the very next day. Now, whether I hear one of these songs on my playlist or on the radio, I hear it in a whole new light often picturing where it belongs in the retelling of Christ’s passion, death and resurrection. Even though we’re getting ready to enter Advent and not Lent, one of those songs has been on my mind a lot lately. The song, Hands, was sung by Tricia Yearwood in the live show, but it was written and originally sung by Jewel. I don’t know how I missed this when it was first released, but I guess I was simply in a different place in my life, and it didn’t speak to me then like it does now. Here are the lyrics:

If I could tell the world just one thing ~~ It would be that we’re all ok ~~ And not to worry because worry is wasteful ~~ And useless in times like these ~~ I will not be made useless ~~ I won’t be idled with despair ~~ I will gather myself around my faith ~~ For light does the darkness most fear ~~ My hands are small, I know, ~~ But they’re not yours they are my own ~~ But they’re not yours they are my own ~~ And I am never broken ~~ Poverty stole your golden shoes ~~ But it didn’t steal your laughter ~~ And heartache came to visit me ~~ But i knew it wasn’t ever after ~~ We will fight, not out of spite ~~ For someone must stand up for what’s right ~~ Cause where there’s a man who has no voice ~~ There ours shall go singing ~~ My hands are small, I know, ~~ But they’re not yours they are my own ~~ But they’re not yours they are my own ~~ And I am never broken ~~ In the end only kindness matters ~~ In the end only kindness matters ~~ I will get down on my knees and I will pray ~~ I will get down on my knees and I will pray ~~ I will get down on my knees and I will pray ~~ My hands are small, I know, ~~ But they’re not yours they are my own ~~ But they’re not yours they are my own ~~ And I am never broken ~~ My hands are small, i know, ~~ But they’re not yours they are my own ~~ But they’re not yours they are my own ~~ And I am never broken ~~ We are never broken ~~ We are God’s eyes God’s hands God’s mind ~~ We are God’s eyes God’s hands God’s heart ~~ We are God’s eyes God’s hands God’s eyes God’s hands ~~ We are God’s hands God’s hands We are God’s hands

Hands, Written by Jewel Kilcher, Patrick Leonard • Copyright © Downtown Music Publishing LLC, Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

While there are many reasons why I could be thinking of this song, the main reason is that, lately, I have come to believe that the virtue of kindness is disappearing from our culture, and maybe the world. I see and hear children speaking to each other and to adults with such blatant disrespect, and having no idea that they’re doing it or why it’s wrong, and I think, no wonder we have so many problems in this world. What would the world be like if everyone made a concerted effort, every single day, to just be kind to one another? What if I held my tongue more often before speaking to my husband? What if my daughter thought about how someone else might feel before chastising them? What if a teacher thought about the repercussions on a student because of a cutting comment the teacher uttered in front of the class? What if politicians considered what they are teaching future generations when they do nothing but verbally knock each other down?

St. Paul the Apostle, in his letter to the Galatians, said “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.” He outlined the most basic guidelines for how we should act, speak, live, and treat one another. Believe me, I know it’s hard. I struggle with this every day, but there is something that gives me hope. You see, St. Paul didn’t call these the “Rules of the Spirit,” or the “Commands of the Spirit.” He called them the “Fruit of the Spirit.” How beautiful when you think about it. These aren’t the things that we are ordered to do or even the things we will be given outright, but they are what we reap, what we harvest, what we can share with others. If we practice the fruit of the Spirit, then we can spread love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control to others, and in return, we should receive all of those back.

I implore you to join me in starting today. Together, let’s think about what we do, what we say, how we act, especially in front of our children. So often, I find myself reminding my own children that they are not being respectful, speaking kindly, or acting with love. In those moments, I wonder if I have set the example for them, if I have failed as a parent. For if I have not taught my children to be kind, then what does it matter what else I have taught them?

Amy Schisler is an award winning author of both children’s books and novels for readers of all ages. She lives with her husband and three daughters on the Eastern Shore of Maryland. Her book, Picture Me, is the recipient of an Illumination Award, placing it among the top three eBooks of 2015. Her latest book, Whispering Vines, is now available for purchase.

You may follow Amy on Facebook at http://facebook.com/amyschislerauthor on Twitter @AmySchislerAuth, on Goodreads at https://www.goodreads.com/amyschisler and on her web site http://amyschislerauthor.com.

Amy’s books: Crabbing With Granddad (2013), A Place to Call Home (2014), Picture Me(2015), Whispering Vines (2016)

The Five Reasons We Allow You to Date

October 26, 2016May 15, 2018Amy Schisler

Dear Daughter,

It’s been challenging for you lately, and I know that. You’re young, and you think you’re in love, and I think it’s wonderful. You’re growing and learning and figuring out who you are and what you want in life, and I have no problem with you having a partner who cares about you to help you figure that out. I also know that there are others who disagree and some, young and old, who are giving you a hard time about it. I appreciate you telling them that I allow you to date and that they can take it up with me; and I know we’ve talked about this, but I’d like to make sure that you fully understand why I allow you to date because it’s a privilege, one that I feel is very important for the healthy development of your mind, body, and spirit.

As you know, I’ve been given a fair share of advice from others about how to handle the ‘dating situation.’ In fact, it’s a topic that has come up among friends and acquaintances many times, and often, it becomes an admonishment on me for allowing you and your sisters to date. This is something that I pray about a lot and your father and I talk about a lot, and while we don’t have all of the answers or make all of the right decisions, we try our best. We have our reasons for the things we do and allow, very good ones we believe, and you should know what they are. I’m not setting out to tell the parents of your friends or even your teachers what is right or wrong, but I do want you to know why I have made some of the choices I have in regards to you.

I have been told, “High school children belong with their families and not out on dates. They have plenty of time for that in college and beyond.” Interesting thought, but I have another take. I have heard, “Teens are not mature enough to handle dating.” No argument from me about maturity, but I’ll get to that. Recently, you told me that an adult told you, “The purpose of dating is to have sex, so if you’re not planning on getting married and having children in the immediate future, then you should not be dating.” Uh-huh. I have lots to say about that one, but let me begin with the least of the reasons why I allow you to date.

5. You’re learning the Ropes. Your high school years are all about preparing for your future. You will need to develop good study habits, learn time management, become skilled at balancing school and a job, and become adept at standing up for yourself and your beliefs. Along with those things, I want you to also prepare for the dating scene. What is proper behavior on a date? Where are acceptable locales? What is the proper dress? This may all sound silly to you, but seriously, these are important questions and not just old-fashioned ideas. I want to know that when you leave the house with a boy, you know what is acceptable and what is not and what should be expected or not (by and from both of you). And I want those values and rules coming from me, not from your college roommate.

4. Dating is part of growing. It is part of figuring out what you want in a future spouse. That does not mean that you have to marry the first boy who asks you to a dance. If means that you are learning what it feels like to be asked to a dance, to hold hands, and yes, even to kiss (cue the gasps). It also means that you are learning about mutual respect. Does he open the door for you? Is he attentive to you in conversations? Does he put your needs and desires first? Is he able to compromise? Does he respect your wishes, your values, your family and friends? If the answer is no, then move on! He was not the right one, but it’s okay to try again. Would you buy a pair of shoes without making sure that they fit, that they work with your wardrobe, that they’re comfortable and make you feel good? Dating is no different but far more important.

3. You need to see him with his mom and yours. Dating in college is very much a social endeavor. You will go to parties, night clubs, football games, and dances, much like you are doing in high school, but you will be doing it on your own time, with your own friends, and without your family tagging along, so there are things that you will miss, important things that won’t be revealed to you. For example, how does he treat his mom? Is he kind to her, loving, respectful? Does he help out around the house? Does he like being with his family? And, in a way, more importantly, does he like being with yours? Is he kind and respectful to your parents? If he never wants to spend time with your family, then I have to ask why? Is he selfish? Is he all about what he wants and not what you want? And on a darker note, is he possessive? Is he violent? Does he try to drive a wedge between you and your family? Remember, when you meet the right one, he will become a part of our family. Is he willing to do that? Dating in high school is about blending your family life with your dating life, and that’s an extremely important facet of being a couple. Learn to do it early and to do it well.

2. Maturity is learned not inherited. If I had kept you in the nursery until your eighteenth birthday and then suddenly set you free in the world, would you think I was crazy? Would you know how to manage on your own without any prior knowledge? Of course not! And dating should be no different. You can’t grow and properly mature without experience. You need to learn how to behave in public and in private. You need to know how to set limits, how to compromise, and how to say no. Everything you do as you are growing up affects what you do and how you act when you are on your own. But you need to recognize that you are still growing, still learning, still maturing until, scientists say, the age of 25. So there will be limits set on you while you’re at home–curfews, acceptable places to go, and acceptable people to be a part of your life. If we say no, the answer is no, but we will always explain to you why. And hopefully the ‘why’ will stick with you and help you mature into a person who makes good choices.

1. The world is a scary place, but I’ve got your back. You will be put into uncomfortable situations. You will be faced with circumstances that you may not know how to handle. You will have questions, and fears, and will make mistakes. And I want to be there the first time you do, the first time you come face to face with the ugly side of dating. I want to be sitting on your bed with you when you’re crying after your first broken heart. I want to be behind the wheel when you need someone to come get you because you don’t feel safe. I want you to crawl in my bed at night because you’re upset and need your mom. I want you to go off to college with a past, not a reputation, but a past in which you learned how to spot a nice boy, how to say no, how to get yourself out of a bad situation, how to dress and act on a date, and how to know if he’s the right man.

The dating world has changed a lot in the past thirty years. You all do things differently and at a much faster pace than we did. But to be in the right kind of relationship, make the right decisions, and figure out who the right mate is, you need guidance, and I’ve only got four short years to be that guide. But know this, even when you are on your own, when you have questions, or when you make mistakes, I will always be here. I will always be praying for you. I will always be your mom. Even when you are grown and go home to someone else.

Amy’s books: Crabbing With Granddad (2013), A Place to Call Home (2014), Picture Me(2015), Whispering Vines (2016)

Parent Orientation – Loving our Kids Before it’s Too Late

September 10, 2016May 16, 2018Amy Schisler

3-Seville101a My girls started school today with a back to school orientation. Most colleges have a Freshman Orientation. But where and when is the Parent Orientation? Listening to Jennifer Fulwiler on the radio yesterday, I was intrigued by a segment about teens and “peer orientation.” No, it wasn’t about a child’s first day of school or leaving your teen in the woods and making them find their own way home (though this may be very tempting at times, it’s orienteering, not orientation). The segment was about helping our children find their North, their grounding, their belief system, their sense of direction. After reading the book, Hold Onto Your Kids by by Doctors Neufeld and Maté, Jennifer stated, “peer orientation is the #1 battle modern parents should be fighting.”

The authors of the book contend that “peer orientation undermines family cohesion, interferes with healthy development, and fosters a hostile and sexualized youth culture. Children end up becoming overly conformist, desensitized, and alienated, and being “cool” matters more to them than anything else.” Wow. Any parent who reads or hears that should stop and think. Is that my child? Have I allowed this to happen in my family? What matters more to my kids – what I think or what their friends think? What I believe or what their friends believe? What I tell them is right vs wrong or what society tells them is right vs wrong?

We’d all like to think that our children listen to us, believe us, see us as the main influence in their lives, but is that really true? The premise of the book argues that it is not. In our modern society, parents don’t matter. Sometimes I see it with my own girls – Mom is right about some things, but society is right about most things. How did that happen? Since when did society become the ruling being over all thoughts and beliefs? Doctors Neufeld and Maté tell us that social media pays a large role in peer orientation as does our society’s value of economy over culture. But the biggest factor is the alienation of the child, and this is usually not done on purpose.

We no longer live in villages, tribes, or even communal neighborhoods. Extended families live miles, perhaps even states or countries apart. Often, both parents work long hours away from the house, and divorce is rampant throughout our society. Who fills the void? Television, movies, social media, and peers. Children must be “cool” in order to succeed. They lose their own individuality and hide their natural curiosity and intelligence in order to better conform with their peers. One result of this is the rise of the gang culture within many of our cities. Children want, no they need, to feel loved and accepted even it comes from a non-loving source. Children who don’t have that love and acceptance, feel vulnerable and enraged, and lash out at other children as well as themselves, causing emotional and physical harm. This leads to bullying, shunning, an increase in suicide, and in some cases, teens killing teens. By losing touch with our kids, we parents are contributing to the downfall of society, Does that sound harsh, scary even? You bet it does, but there is hope.

Parents can bring their children back around by helping their children to see the value not only in their parents but in themselves. The key, according to Dr. Maté is being emotionally present for and nurturing toward our children. He argues that orientation to a mother, a father, a sibling, or peers results from attachment, an “essential for human life.” Children who are detached, cannot be taken care of. They shun attachment and emotion, and they end up shunning others. We need to connect to our families, to our children. We need to spend time together, eat together, vacation together, talk to each other, listen to each other, and help each other. We need to make sure that we parents, our families, are the people to whom our children attach. It’s not a matter of politics or continuing a family legacy. It’s about helping children to know that they have a purpose in life, that they matter, that they are loved and valued for whom they are.

An indicator of where a child’s orientation lies is how they identify themselves. Humans used to be identified by their family, their clan, or their tribe. That’s not the norm any more. We identify ourselves by our political party, our peer group, society’s definition of who or what we should be. Remember when everyone was identified as “Ken’s Wife,” or “Judy’s Daughter?” When’s the last time you heard someone say that? That is an attachment, an
acknowledgement about whom it is that matters. Last night, I asked my girls to tell me who they are, how they would identify themselves if being introduced to someone new in our community, not by using a societal description but by answering honestly about how they see themselves in life. My favorite answer was Katie’s. She said, “I’m Rebecca’s sister.” She didn’t say it as a jealous or undervalued younger sister or as someone who 2-Merida29 simply follows in another’s footsteps. She said this with pride and love. The child I worry about the most identifies herself by attaching herself to her sister. Now that’s an orientation I can live with.

Amy’s books: Crabbing With Granddad (2013), A Place to Call Home (2014), Picture Me(2015), Whispering Vines (2016)

Ten Things Your Teen Should Know Before Leaving Home

August 17, 2016August 5, 2020Amy Schisler

The summer of 2016 will soon come to a close, and a chapter in my life will end. For almost my entire adult life, I have been the mother of three school-aged children. While all of my children will still be in school for a few more years, the dynamic is shifting, and my world is changing. This was possibly the last summer that our oldest, Rebecca, will be living at home. She will graduate from Mount St. Mary’s in the spring and go on to law school. She is already looking into the cost and availability of apartments in Washington, D.C., and she reminds me often that she will not be returning home after graduation. Of course, I remember telling my mother the same thing when I was at this stage, but desire is often met with that brick wall called affordability, and I ended up living at home another year until I married. But the reality is that she will still be in school, and she will need to live close to the city, so I will have to get used to one of my children no longer being a resident of my home. As Rebecca embarks on her senior year of college and her sister, Katie Ann, starts her senior year of high school, here are some things that I have realized every high school graduate should know how to do: Read more →

A Season for Changes

May 18, 2016August 5, 2020Amy Schisler

There is an appointed time for everything, and a time for every affair under the heavens. A time to give birth, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to uproot the plant. A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to tear down, and a time to build. A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance. A time to scatter stones, and a time to gather them; a time to embrace, and a time to be far from embraces. A time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away. A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to be silent, and a time to speak. A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace. Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8

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We’ve all read the verses or at least heard the song. Every school choir seems to sing it at some point. It has been featured in movies and in books. Many reflections have been written about the words attributed to Solomon (although the author is not actually identified). But I believe there is a line that is missing, something that each of us experiences over and over throughout our lives – a time for change.

One could argue that every line in the passage is about change, and that is very true. Birth and death bring change as do tearing down and building up. Scattering and gathering can be catalysts for change as can seeking, losing, keeping, casting, rending, sewing, speaking, loving, etc. We are faced with changes, both large and small, time and time again, every day. I am reminded of this more and more each spring as graduation time is thrust upon us, whether we are ready or not. Read more →

Why It’s OKAY To Be Friends With Your Kids

March 2, 2016August 5, 2020Amy Schisler

Yesterday I saw yet another article about why parents should not be friends with their kids. I see memes all the time warning parents about this, and it seems that every magazine, parenting blog site, and advice column rails against the pitfalls of being your child’s friend. While I do understand where they are coming from, I have to respectfully disagree. You see, I am living proof that it’s not only possible but beneficial for parents and children to be friends, even best friends. Read more →

“I am your father…”

December 30, 2015August 5, 2020Amy Schisler

I’m going to do something today that I never thought I would do. I have the privilege of aligning myself with one of my greatest idols, master story-teller, George Lucas. This morning, I re-watched Lucas’ interview with Charlie Rose; and for the second time, I was mesmerized by his story and struck by his priorities. When asked why Lucas walked away from directing for fifteen years, he said “I wanted to be a dad.” Wow. One of the most successful movie makers in the world, and arguably the most successful story-teller of our time, walked away from it all to be a dad; not a politician, not an actor or a rock star, not some other avenue toward greater celebrity, but a dad.

Yes, one could argue that Lucas had no need for more wealth or greater celebrity, but in today’s world, that’s hardly the point. In a world where everyone’s main objective seems to be to grow richer and more famous, here is a man who had it all, the world at his fingertips, and the only thing he really cared about was being a good dad. Read more →

My Legacy

May 20, 2015August 5, 2020Amy Schisler

This morning I attended the Baccalaureate Mass for our school’s Class of 2015. Our Pastor asked each student to think ahead 60 years and imagine looking back on their lives. “What will your legacy be?” he asked them. He implored them to do more with their lives than just make money. He told them that their legacy is important and that they should make it matter. Each one of us will leave behind a legacy, something that we pass down to future generations, whether we are the President of the United States, a businessman, a teacher, a doctor, or a parent. Each one of us will do or say something that will not be forgotten, good or bad. Read more →

Raising Teenage Daughters

April 1, 2015August 5, 2020Amy Schisler

I recently read an article in the New York Times about parenting teenage daughters. I had such mixed feelings about the woman’s story! I couldn’t quite grasp whether she was complaining, venting, musing, or just rambling. She seemed to be saying that teenage girls are horrible beasts almost all of the time, but that every now and then, she saw a spark of the girl they used to be. I was confused and almost irritated by this. Ever since reading it, I’ve asked myself, is this the way it’s supposed to be? Am I doing something wrong? Am I missing something in my child-rearing skills? Do my children have to hate me, treat me with disgust and disrespect, and talk horribly about me behind my back in order for them to grow into mature women? Should I try to turn back the hands of time and make this happen? Read more →

On the Road Again

January 7, 2015August 5, 2020Amy Schisler

Have you ever taken a long road trip with your family? Movies and television shows always portray these trips as the absolute worst kind of torture a family can inflict upon itself. Sure, everyone can get irritated with other, and someone always falls asleep and wakes up cranky, but there’s a lot to be said for spending time together in a small space with nobody to talk to but each other. Read more →