life skills Archives - Amy Schisler

Dear Daughter,

It’s been challenging for you lately, and I know that. You’re young, and you think you’re in love, and I think it’s wonderful. You’re growing and learning and figuring out who you are and what you want in life, and I have no problem with you having a partner who cares about you to help you figure that out. I also know that there are others who disagree and some, young and old, who are giving you a hard time about it. I appreciate you telling them that I allow you to date and that they can take it up with me; and I know we’ve talked about this, but I’d like to make sure that you fully understand why I allow you to date because it’s a privilege, one that I feel is very important for the healthy development of your mind, body, and spirit.

As you know, I’ve been given a fair share of advice from others about how to handle the ‘dating situation.’ In fact, it’s a topic that has come up among friends and acquaintances many times, and often, it becomes an admonishment on me for allowing you and your sisters to date. This is something that I pray about a lot and your father and I talk about a lot, and while we don’t have all of the answers or make all of the right decisions, we try our best. We have our reasons for the things we do and allow, very good ones we believe, and you should know what they are. I’m not setting out to tell the parents of your friends or even your teachers what is right or wrong, but I do want you to know why I have made some of the choices I have in regards to you.

I have been told, “High school children belong with their families and not out on dates. They have plenty of time for that in college and beyond.” Interesting thought, but I have another take. I have heard, “Teens are not mature enough to handle dating.” No argument from me about maturity, but I’ll get to that. Recently, you told me that an adult told you, “The purpose of dating is to have sex, so if you’re not planning on getting married and having children in the immediate future, then you should not be dating.” Uh-huh. I have lots to say about that one, but let me begin with the least of the reasons why I allow you to date.

5. You’re learning the Ropes. Your high school years are all about preparing for your future. You will need to develop good study habits, learn time management, become skilled at balancing school and a job, and become adept at standing up for yourself and your beliefs. Along with those things, I want you to also prepare for the dating scene. What is proper behavior on a date? Where are acceptable locales? What is the proper dress? This may all sound silly to you, but seriously, these are important questions and not just old-fashioned ideas. I want to know that when you leave the house with a boy, you know what is acceptable and what is not and what should be expected or not (by and from both of you). And I want those values and rules coming from me, not from your college roommate.

4. Dating is part of growing. It is part of figuring out what you want in a future spouse. That does not mean that you have to marry the first boy who asks you to a dance. If means that you are learning what it feels like to be asked to a dance, to hold hands, and yes, even to kiss (cue the gasps). It also means that you are learning about mutual respect. Does he open the door for you? Is he attentive to you in conversations? Does he put your needs and desires first? Is he able to compromise? Does he respect your wishes, your values, your family and friends? If the answer is no, then move on! He was not the right one, but it’s okay to try again. Would you buy a pair of shoes without making sure that they fit, that they work with your wardrobe, that they’re comfortable and make you feel good? Dating is no different but far more important.

3. You need to see him with his mom and yours. Dating in college is very much a social endeavor. You will go to parties, night clubs, football games, and dances, much like you are doing in high school, but you will be doing it on your own time, with your own friends, and without your family tagging along, so there are things that you will miss, important things that won’t be revealed to you. For example, how does he treat his mom? Is he kind to her, loving, respectful? Does he help out around the house? Does he like being with his family? And, in a way, more importantly, does he like being with yours? Is he kind and respectful to your parents? If he never wants to spend time with your family, then I have to ask why? Is he selfish? Is he all about what he wants and not what you want? And on a darker note, is he possessive? Is he violent? Does he try to drive a wedge between you and your family? Remember, when you meet the right one, he will become a part of our family. Is he willing to do that? Dating in high school is about blending your family life with your dating life, and that’s an extremely important facet of being a couple. Learn to do it early and to do it well.

2. Maturity is learned not inherited. If I had kept you in the nursery until your eighteenth birthday and then suddenly set you free in the world, would you think I was crazy? Would you know how to manage on your own without any prior knowledge? Of course not! And dating should be no different. You can’t grow and properly mature without experience. You need to learn how to behave in public and in private. You need to know how to set limits, how to compromise, and how to say no. Everything you do as you are growing up affects what you do and how you act when you are on your own. But you need to recognize that you are still growing, still learning, still maturing until, scientists say, the age of 25. So there will be limits set on you while you’re at home–curfews, acceptable places to go, and acceptable people to be a part of your life. If we say no, the answer is no, but we will always explain to you why. And hopefully the ‘why’ will stick with you and help you mature into a person who makes good choices.

1. The world is a scary place, but I’ve got your back. You will be put into uncomfortable situations. You will be faced with circumstances that you may not know how to handle. You will have questions, and fears, and will make mistakes. And I want to be there the first time you do, the first time you come face to face with the ugly side of dating. I want to be sitting on your bed with you when you’re crying after your first broken heart. I want to be behind the wheel when you need someone to come get you because you don’t feel safe. I want you to crawl in my bed at night because you’re upset and need your mom. I want you to go off to college with a past, not a reputation, but a past in which you learned how to spot a nice boy, how to say no, how to get yourself out of a bad situation, how to dress and act on a date, and how to know if he’s the right man.

The dating world has changed a lot in the past thirty years. You all do things differently and at a much faster pace than we did. But to be in the right kind of relationship, make the right decisions, and figure out who the right mate is, you need guidance, and I’ve only got four short years to be that guide. But know this, even when you are on your own, when you have questions, or when you make mistakes, I will always be here. I will always be praying for you. I will always be your mom. Even when you are grown and go home to someone else.

Amy Schisler is an award winning author of both children’s books and novels for readers of all ages. She lives with her husband and three daughters on the Eastern Shore of Maryland. Her book, Picture Me, is the recipient of an Illumination Award, placing it among the top three eBooks of 2015. Her latest book, Whispering Vines, is now available for purchase.

You may follow Amy on Facebook at http://facebook.com/amyschislerauthor on Twitter @AmySchislerAuth, on Goodreads at https://www.goodreads.com/amyschisler and on her web site http://amyschislerauthor.com.

Amy’s books: Crabbing With Granddad (2013), A Place to Call Home (2014), Picture Me(2015), Whispering Vines (2016)

13680532_1624096637883343_9030708877592774291_n Call it what you may, but saying yes, giving of my time and talents, taking on too many tasks, is not a weakness. I’ve had this argument more than once with family and friends, and each time, I leave the conversation thinking that I was not successful in getting across why I continue to say yes. No, I don’t have an irrational desire to please nor am I insecure and unable to stand up for myself. I have a deep-in-my-soul belief that I was meant to serve. There are those who, I know, think I’m crazy. Sometimes, even I think that. But then there are the times that reaffirm my calling in resonating tones.

This past Sunday, the Gospel reading ended with the line, “We are unprofitable servants; we have done that which we ought to do.” Our priest told us that each of us is called to do service here on Earth. He said that we are not meant to spend our lives being waited on or watching others do work. We are meant to pitch in, do our share, and contribute to society whenever and however we are needed. Everything that I have ever believed about serving others was summed up so loudly and clearly that I wanted to turn to everyone around me and shout, “See, I’m only doing what I was meant to be doing.”

While others may benefit from my service, I know that, ultimately, I am the one who is achieving the greatest reward. Here are my reasons for believing this and what I have learned in the process:

Discovering Strengths: I am a master at organization. Give me an event, and I can plan it down to the smallest details. I can find the right people, give the right directions, and orchestrate the affair without letting any complication, large or small, dictate its success. But there are things I am not good at, and that’s okay. I have discovered what I can do and what I cannot. I consider that a gift and a blessing.
Admitting Weaknesses: I do know when to quit, when to say no. In fact, I said no last week. I was asked to be part of a capital campaign and solicit money for a good cause. For a very good cause. For a cause near and dear to my heart. But I’ve been there and done that. And I learned that I am not good in that role. I am not comfortable in that role, but I know that there are others who are. There are others who are called to do that, Just as there are others who are called to direct plays, do bookkeeping, and maintain gardens. All things that I’ve been asked to do at one time or another and either knew or learned the hard way that they are beyond my capabilities.
Joy is a Beautiful Thing: Whether it is planning a week-long summer camp or an all-night after prom party, I delight in seeing everything come together in a way that brings happiness and joy to the participants. Seeing their faces, hearing their stories, and watching them have fun, makes all of the hard work and countless hours more than worth it.
My soul is satisfied: Few things in life feel better than the success or accomplishment of great tasks. It’s not about self-aggrandizement. It’s about self-discovery, self-growth, and self-satisfaction. It wouldn’t matter to me if no other person in the world knew that I was behind an event. I know it, and it feels good to see something I’ve worked on go the way that I hoped and prayed it would.
But it’s not about what I have to offer: It’s about what we can accomplish together. It’s about bringing together a group of individuals and helping each of them to find their strengths, encouraging them to use their talents, and inspiring in them and others the passion to serve. As Helen Keller said, “Alone we can do so little, together we can do so much.”
My children are learning to lead: They are not learning to be pushovers but to plan, to accept their strengths and their shortcomings, and to serve others. I once had someone say to me that I was doing my children a disservice because they would grow up to be women who couldn’t say no, who took on too many tasks. At first, I worried about this, but then I watched my children come to their own realizations about what they can do and how much they can handle. They understand what it means to stay committed to something, what it takes to lead, and when it’s necessary to back down or say no.
There is no obstacle too large to overcome: Often, we hear about mountains being in the way of success. We can climb over them, go around them, tunnel through them, or turn around and go back the way we came. I am a big believer in finding those ways to get to the other side of the mountain. If there’s a will, there’s a way, right? It’s often my mantra, and I’ve never found it to be untrue. The acclaimed surgeon, Ben Carson, wrote in his book, Gifted Hands, “Success is determined not by whether or not you face obstacles, but by your reaction to them. And if you look at these obstacles as a containing fence, they become your excuse for failure. If you look at them as a hurdle, each one strengthens you for the next.” How true that is.
My yoke may be heavy, but my burden is light: This is the one thing that others never understand. Yes, committing to several large endeavors while maintaining a home and career is daunting, but it’s not tiring. I am busy, but I am not overwhelmed. I keep my eye on the finish line, jumping over hurdles, sometimes sloshing through puddles, but holding steady to my pace. Most of all, I don’t worry or stress or let fears or uncertainties overcome me. I know that I am not doing all of the things I take on for myself. I am doing them for the greater good. And that’s what matters because I know that God will not let me fail. He will not let me falter. He will hold me up, guide me on the trail, and lead me to victory, not mine, but His, for the glory is His. Because…
I am the handmaid of the Lord: I am here to serve. I am here to do His will. I will continue to listen to that inner voice that says, “No, this is not the right time” or “This is not the right job,” or “Yes, you can handle this. I will be by your side.”