My girls started school today with a back to school orientation. Most colleges have a Freshman Orientation. But where and when is the Parent Orientation? Listening to Jennifer Fulwiler on the radio yesterday, I was intrigued by a segment about teens and “peer orientation.” No, it wasn’t about a child’s first day of school or leaving your teen in the woods and making them find their own way home (though this may be very tempting at times, it’s orienteering, not orientation). The segment was about helping our children find their North, their grounding, their belief system, their sense of direction. After reading the book, Hold Onto Your Kids by by Doctors Neufeld and Maté, Jennifer stated, “peer orientation is the #1 battle modern parents should be fighting.”
The authors of the book contend that “peer orientation undermines family cohesion, interferes with healthy development, and fosters a hostile and sexualized youth culture. Children end up becoming overly conformist, desensitized, and alienated, and being “cool” matters more to them than anything else.” Wow. Any parent who reads or hears that should stop and think. Is that my child? Have I allowed this to happen in my family? What matters more to my kids – what I think or what their friends think? What I believe or what their friends believe? What I tell them is right vs wrong or what society tells them is right vs wrong?
We’d all like to think that our children listen to us, believe us, see us as the main influence in their lives, but is that really true? The premise of the book argues that it is not. In our modern society, parents don’t matter. Sometimes I see it with my own girls – Mom is right about some things, but society is right about most things. How did that happen? Since when did society become the ruling being over all thoughts and beliefs? Doctors Neufeld and Maté tell us that social media pays a large role in peer orientation as does our society’s value of economy over culture. But the biggest factor is the alienation of the child, and this is usually not done on purpose.
We no longer live in villages, tribes, or even communal neighborhoods. Extended families live miles, perhaps even states or countries apart. Often, both parents work long hours away from the house, and divorce is rampant throughout our society. Who fills the void? Television, movies, social media, and peers. Children must be “cool” in order to succeed. They lose their own individuality and hide their natural curiosity and intelligence in order to better conform with their peers. One result of this is the rise of the gang culture within many of our cities. Children want, no they need, to feel loved and accepted even it comes from a non-loving source. Children who don’t have that love and acceptance, feel vulnerable and enraged, and lash out at other children as well as themselves, causing emotional and physical harm. This leads to bullying, shunning, an increase in suicide, and in some cases, teens killing teens. By losing touch with our kids, we parents are contributing to the downfall of society, Does that sound harsh, scary even? You bet it does, but there is hope.
Parents can bring their children back around by helping their children to see the value not only in their parents but in themselves. The key, according to Dr. Maté is being emotionally present for and nurturing toward our children. He argues that orientation to a mother, a father, a sibling, or peers results from attachment, an “essential for human life.” Children who are detached, cannot be taken care of. They shun attachment and emotion, and they end up shunning others. We need to connect to our families, to our children. We need to spend time together, eat together, vacation together, talk to each other, listen to each other, and help each other. We need to make sure that we parents, our families, are the people to whom our children attach. It’s not a matter of politics or continuing a family legacy. It’s about helping children to know that they have a purpose in life, that they matter, that they are loved and valued for whom they are.
An indicator of where a child’s orientation lies is how they identify themselves. Humans used to be identified by their family, their clan, or their tribe. That’s not the norm any more. We identify ourselves by our political party, our peer group, society’s definition of who or what we should be. Remember when everyone was identified as “Ken’s Wife,” or “Judy’s Daughter?” When’s the last time you heard someone say that? That is an attachment, an
acknowledgement about whom it is that matters. Last night, I asked my girls to tell me who they are, how they would identify themselves if being introduced to someone new in our community, not by using a societal description but by answering honestly about how they see themselves in life. My favorite answer was Katie’s. She said, “I’m Rebecca’s sister.” She didn’t say it as a jealous or undervalued younger sister or as someone who 
simply follows in another’s footsteps. She said this with pride and love. The child I worry about the most identifies herself by attaching herself to her sister. Now that’s an orientation I can live with.
Amy Schisler is an award winning author of both children’s books and novels for readers of all ages. She lives with her husband and three daughters on the Eastern Shore of Maryland. Her book, Picture Me, is the recipient of an Illumination Award, placing it among the top three eBooks of 2015. Her latest book, Whispering Vines, is now available for purchase.
You may follow Amy on Facebook at http://facebook.com/amyschislerauthor on Twitter @AmySchislerAuth, on Goodreads at https://www.goodreads.com/amyschisler and on her web site http://amyschislerauthor.com.
Amy’s books: Crabbing With Granddad (2013), A Place to Call Home (2014), Picture Me(2015), Whispering Vines (2016)
It felt so good, that one little comment made by a friend after Mass on Sunday. “Psst, Amy, have you lost weight?” Someone noticed! In fact, I’ve lost 19 pounds in the past few months. For the first time in years, I have to keep pulling up my shorts, and my shirts are hanging on me. It feels good, and honestly, it has been easy. Yes, I’ve had to completely re-evaluate what I eat, how much I eat, what I cook, and what I order out (the hardest of all). I’ve had to come around to a whole new way of looking at meals, but you know what? It worked. And I’m not starving, nor am I giving up my favorite foods. It was a learning process, and I’m happy to share it with you.
Weight Watchers was a starting point but not a crutch. I joined, after the encouragement of a few friends, but I knew I didn’t have the time for meetings, so I joined using the app. I found that I only needed to be a member for about three months in order to see what I was eating and how it affected my diet (that’s diet with a small “d” because I don’t feel like I’m on a Diet). I had to learn what foods I was eating that needed to be scaled back or cut out. It was also a great help in restaurants as I shifted into eating things that would satisfy but not add too many calories. I was able to track my food as well as my exercising and learned how each affected my weight. It was also nice to see the weight chart go down each week! I’ve stopped using the app, but I’m still applying the principles, and I’m still losing weight.
We found new ways to make old favorites. I wanted food that was satisfying and healthy, so we found ways to add veggies into things. For example, our favorite new recipe is baked ziti. No, I’m not kidding! It was Katie’s idea that put it over the top. I made the whole grain noodles and my homemade sauce. At the same time, I sautéed fresh spinach in garlic and olive oil. I then mixed the spinach into a bowl of fat free ricotta cheese. I layered the noodles, cheese, and then the sauce and baked it. It was fabulous! Served with a salad, it was filling and rich but not heavy. And I even enjoyed a glass of wine with it and felt no guilt at all.
Snacks and desserts are well-deserved. And every now and then I will indulge in a small hot fudge sundae or even a cookie. But I snack all the time and don’t feel guilty. Remember the Half Naked Popcorn? It has become my go-to pick me up along with whatever fresh fruit is in season. We’ve eaten a lot of watermelon this summer, and I do mean a lot! We’ve also kept the strawberry and blueberry growers in business along with the peach farmers. I will miss the fresh fruit when winter sets in, so feel free to let me know what winter varieties you enjoy. I’ll be sure to check them out. As far as sweets, I haven’t given those up entirely either. This week, we made a homemade strawberry shortcake for Rebecca’s final dinner at home before she went back to school. It was made with angel food cake and fat free Readi Whip. I ate a piece without any remorse, and to be honest, I had another piece the next day.
The summer of 2016 will soon come to a close, and a chapter in my life will end. For almost my entire adult life, I have been the mother of three school-aged children. While all of my children will still be in school for a few more years, the dynamic is shifting, and my world is changing. This was possibly the last summer that our oldest, Rebecca, will be living at home. She will graduate from Mount St. Mary’s in the spring and go on to law school. She is already looking into the cost and availability of apartments in Washington, D.C., and she reminds me often that she will not be returning home after graduation. Of course, I remember telling my mother the same thing when I was at this stage, but desire is often met with that brick wall called affordability, and I ended up living at home another year until I married. But the reality is that she will still be in school, and she will need to live close to the city, so I will have to get used to one of my children no longer being a resident of my home. As Rebecca embarks on her senior year of college and her sister, Katie Ann, starts her senior year of high school, here are some things that I have realized every high school graduate should know how to do:
We all played several games of Poker, and we had visitors – a beautiful family that consisted of a buck, a doe, and two fawns.
I wrote the following blog almost two years ago. Nothing has changed about the way I feel, but my life continues to be enhanced and made better by the girls and adults that I know through my role as a camp director. Here are my thoughts on the “job” and an update from this year’s camp.
Ken has always given me a hard time on long car rides about having my nose stuck in a book instead of looking around. While I can’t argue his point that there’s so much to see, those long stretches of highway just scream for distraction. However, I’ve always managed to know when to put the book down and take in the beauty around me. Sadly, this knowledge seems to be lost on most people today who can’t lift their eyes from their phones for more than thirty seconds. There is so much that they are missing. Here are just a few of the reasons why everyone needs to put their phones down more often and open their eyes to the world around them.
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